The Devil is in the Details

“Impunity, that’s what most of them forget to ask for. Impunity from what they do in public.” This is the biggest mistake most celebrities make when they sell their soul to the devil, according to Samael, a demon who has brokered many deals between celebrities and Lucifer, and is currently promoting his book, Trading Souls: The Complete Guide to Maximizing Your Deal with Satan. Samael took time to speak with us about his book and briefly explain some of the biggest mistakes people make when dealing with the devil.

Ever since man first began to walk on this earth, and one man decided to show off and moon walk instead, there has been an obsession with popularity. As civilizations grew more complex, popularity turned into celebrity and people became obsessed with the pursuit of fame. However, because many of the most famous people in ancient times were warriors or kings, there were very few willing to trade their soul for that kind of celebrity. “Most people weren’t too eager to sell their soul for a chance to die in battle, and if you keep offing the ruler to make room for someone new, well then people quickly grow apprehensive of that position too. For a long time we really didn’t have much of a sales pitch to work with.” Samael recalled of his first few millennia on the job, “Things didn’t really take off until the 20^th century with the rise in popularity of film and television.” The modern celebrity is at the epicenter of his book, and Samael believes that too often people are jumping at the first offer they get, rather than maximizing the trade-in value of their eternal soul. “So often people just ask for fame, or fortune, or to have talent, but we were authorized to give them more if they asked for it.”

Samael had become frustrated with his job when he noticed that people were repeatedly approaching him to make a deal without any idea of their soul’s value. He eventually quit the business so that he could help people maximize their potential. “It wasn’t that I got tired of the trade, I just grew bored with the lack of challenge. I got into this job because I am good at negotiating deals, but people didn’t want to barter. They were treating us like a McDonalds, just telling us their order and paying the price on the menu. So, now I’m trying to bring more life into the proceedings, to keep this business as challenging and as fun as it once was.”

When asked to name the best and worst deal he had witnessed someone negotiate, Samael quickly responded “[Alec] Baldwin squeezed more out his deal than anyone I’ve ever encountered, while Lindsay [Lohan] didn’t get even half of her value. Lindsay asked for the usual, talent and fame, but she forgot to ask for something to make up for her obvious character defects. She was young at the time of the deal and a virgin too, so her soul was definitely worth more than she got.” When asked what made Alec’s deal special, Samael told us, “In addition to the talent and fame, he was adamant that he not be held accountable for anything, and it’s paid off dividends for him too. This past year alone, he has called a photographer a ‘coon’ and a reporter a ‘fag,’ and people just instantly forgive him for it, and then they forget about it. It’s the type of thing Paula Deen probably wishes she had in her deal right about now.”